The League Returns – Draft Reactions!!!

The League Returns – Draft Reactions!!!
First off I would like to thank everyone that participated in our annual fantasy draft, some of you have been around since the beginning, others not so much. However we welcome you with open arms. Before we get to reviewing and grading the draft, I would like to take a moment to explain the reason the draft was delayed over an hour. It cost us millions in advertising dollars and everyone deserves to know the reason.

Due to the immense popularity of “The League” (not the popular FXX show, but our actual Fantasy League) Terrorists took control of ESPN’s headquarters in Bristol and shut down the servers, specifically related to our league.  It was a calculated move and we had no chance to make a preventive action and delay the draft. (Oh, that is not what happened? People were bitching about a trade? A trade any of them could have made? So they could get a shot at the player they wanted?)

ANYWAY on to the Draft grades

Take what you think a normal person would score in one season and Cut it in half and that will be my point total all season — Brian Edwards

Besides Forte-gate Brian drafted with the success of someone who usually finishes at the bottom of the league. This year he won’t have any excuse for reaching on a tight end in the SIXTH round might be ok if he was a top five guy, but Dennis Might as well be a Pitta Pit to catch anything. C’mon man.. Then he went all Homer-rific and grabbed an over the hill DeAngelo Williams and the racist Riley Cooper in back to back picks, he cares as much about his bench as Ferguson cares about blacks.. Actually the Riley Cooper pick makes sense.. Grade – C (Everyone is getting C’s because every team on paper could go either way… )

Lawyer Phil, who is so busy chasing ambulances, he can’t even come up with a team name, seriously it takes two f’kin seconds. – Phil The Newly Single LARGER game Hunter Gillespie

It pains me to write this because my giant sized hard on / man crush for Cam Newton is well documented (IN CAM WE TRUST tees now available!), but Cam in the third round is indefensible, hes gimpy playing behind a questionable o-line and has NO ONE TO THROW TOO!!* (*=these are the general opinions of EVERY moronic national media pundit, not me.. IN CAM WE TRUST!!)

Phil also is going young, I mean Selena Gomez on Disney channel young, by picking Rookies to start — Either way good luck with that Sankey Sammy you got going on.

Team Brune, aka the 30 year old who STILL PISSES HIMSELF — last weekend by the way.  I am sure he was probably furious because he ruined his tapered skinny seven jeans and his man-frock / hippie Brooklyn shitty guy scarf. (also seriously get a team name as well..)

I think I know a bit about football, maybe really I don’t, however still I know names, and when I have google a guy you drafted in the third round, something is wrong. I mean seriously Michael Floyd in the third round??? Playing Seattle and San Frans D four times wasn’t bad enough he was the perma-Statue Carson “wasn’t one of my shittier little brothers the Bachelor” Palmer throwing to him. I mean all power to you for draftin on that 65 / 1100 / 5 stat line upside. Way to go!!

And I also have to say that RGIII has now been officially re-named Tripp I can’t slide Griffin, and landed a reoccurring role on Family Guy as the Peter’s long lost Co-joined black twin separated at birth. He will suck this season but provide hours of entertainment to high college kids who still watch Family Guy, so great pick. Go enjoy your 5 and 8 season with some extremely overpriced craft beers.
JP – you are excused from the bashing because you have kids and real problems, and I will just leave you with this..

I will remember to change or NEVER EVER SET my KEEPER to Matthew Fratastic pudgy face fuck boy Stafford again.
One more time,
I will remember to change or NEVER EVER SET my KEEPER to Matthew Fratastic pudgy face fuck boy Stafford again.
Seriously, repeat after me..
I will remember to change or NEVER EVER SET my KEEPER to Matthew Fratastic pudgy face fuck boy Stafford again.
Understand?
I will remember to change or NEVER EVER SET my KEEPER to Matthew Fratastic pudgy face fuck boy Stafford again.
 Why THE Helu would you ever pick a Redskin There – Brad
I have never known Brad to enjoy cannabis but I guess he doesn’t mind when his running backs smoke it, cause taking Le’Veon “I pick up weed from my weed guy and then don’t even fucking wait till I get home to smoke it” Bell in the third round is a bit of a boom or bust pick (I know there is a weed joke in there, but I just can’t seem to find it……………… ) Besides that he picked the greatest bro ever in Gronk, although his status is quickly coming under fire from a new dark horse candidate in the lil-Molly poppin’ midget Wes Welker. As if he didn’t have enough problems with his mind, lets throw some ECSTASY on the pile. At least Gronk knows to tell his X-man not to cut that shit with amphetamines… Over under on the weeks till Brad picks up Manziel to complete his Bro-tastic team..
Haha — Monica — Don’t even bother taking the time to remember the name, because the ADD mother fucker will change it the next week anyway.. — Eric Paullin

Some one forgot to tell me it wasn’t 2 years ago and CJ Spiller blows Fred Jackson’s nut sack, ie it was a huggge reach there, as was taking a second year guy in the third round. But lets face it, I suck at fantasy anything, as a matter of fact, I have never been good, I think I spout off some bullshit about winning a league this one time, well, that was a Speak Easy Sports Staff league, which is me, and myself, and probably  some kid in Indonesia that I pay to write one article a week. (Did I mention I also had two teams?? AND I TRADED PLAYERS BETWEEN them???)  So the secret is out of the bag, I am also married now and Brunch is now my power drinking time, so fuck off BOTTTOMLESS MIMOSA’S!!!!!!!

Alright now time to get some real work done, I have to take a shit, but then I will come back and “grade” the rest of you degenerates, the ones that actually had good teams last season and made the playoffs.. So it might be hard to make fun of you guys..
Part 2

Alright Part 2, I feel lighter… and now that I have probably gotten most of ya’ll in trouble by cussing like a sailor in your work email’s I will continue. Maybe I will post it straight to the message boards – or not.
On to the playoff teams from last year..

The worst of the playoff teams, The I do not care about anyone on my team as long as my 6 foot 5 inch Adonis of a man Calvin “My Love Steed” Johnson is on my team Larmore.

As if one Mandingo style lover was not enough he had to pick the other freakishly big and strong although slightly older Wide Receiver Johnson as well. I am sensing a pattern here.. And I am Terrified of the showers like a team mate of Michael Sam’s when he drops the soap ( Took me almost a 5000 characters to work in an off color Michael Sam joke! Whooa, Hell, ya, kick the tires and light the fires we are going to rope some steers and queers in Texas!!! Ok, that was too much. I am sorry.. really sorry, now I know what Jerry Jones meant when he said is seeking a return to the “glory hole” days for his franchise.)

Team TD Machine — the regular season champ and token black guy. WE HAVE ONE!!!!

No Asians, but we got a black guy, who lives in Texas?? C’mon now..

After a spectacular regular season Mike just burned out / flamed out in the playoffs, and lost in the first round, he definitely should have picked Peyton Manning cause that is exactly what he does as well. But no he didn’t, he just started the whole Forte-gate mess which concluded with him having to draft a player from Cleveland, seriously no wants to play football in Cleveland.. NO ONE.. they have a fucking brown helmet.. there name doubles as SHIT. On top of that he is buying into the fact that the Jets will have a functioning offense, on that actually gains yards and not for the other team or relating to Rex Ryan’s belly girth. On a side note, how much money would you pay to see Rex Ryan do the truffle shuffle.. seriously A-MAZING

Crown Town Chumps — The hodgepodge of a team that some how snuck into the playoffs, because Josh Gordon became Superman, now he’s just reallllyyy high ….

Not sure where to start, there is the overpaid Foster who is nearing 30 as the first pick or the fact that the second pick, gained almost a quarter of the YARDS in his entire career in one game.. And then there is the reach for Cordellelia “the newest member of Desperate Housewives” Patterson (that show has been off the air for like 5 years, get some new material.. Right, Scandal, does that work? Ya, Cordellia is the newest intern for Olivia Pope and Associates, who is banging the Prime Minster of Turkesmistein and a illegitimate half sister to Cyrus Bean.)

Also its not 2009, McFadden and Gates suck… Just in case you didn’t know..

Big Balls Rodgers – Time for a new name and a new pic Jon, I know you like to remind us how young you look when you shave off your beard, but we don’t need to see you giving us the finger every weekend.

Then again it is good you can grow better facial hair that Andrew Luck, seriously what the fuck is that? I tried to name it the other day, but I couldn’t find the right words, besides Shitty pube neck foreskin. Maybe you will have better luck, and then maybe you will have found the perfect name for your team. I guess you don’t get HBO, cause if you watched Hard Knocks there is no fucking way you would have taken Stephen Jackson.. Like EVER. Dude is done with playing football, he is going to open up shitty art galleries allover the world and sell paintings that JP’s little girl could do in a blindfold with her left hand. The last thing he wants to do is take an more hits, his ENORMOUS fore head and jaw are already swollen enough..

Ohh Kill em — Soon to be replaced by what ever Drake sings about next. I though my man crush on Cam was bad. Hass and Drake just put out there own Kim and Kayne on a motorcycle music video.. It was raw dog and completely disgusting, but I thought Johnny Manziel’s direction was tasteful, he didn’t show tooooo much penetration..

He must have gone to the Jay Bilas school of drafting cause most of the picks dripped of buzz words like “upside” “potential” “Length”  “girth” — Ok maybe not the last one, but dropping the two of your first picks on second year guys like Gio and Andre is a risky move, but you know what the say, the ACC is the power conference.. (really NO ONE says that?) But I suppose when you have a superstar ELITE QB like Jay Cutler everything will work out..

I guess he just wanted to have the two biggest cum-stains for QB’s I mean Jay Cutler and Matt Ryan? I don’t care what they do on the field, they are fucking shitty people, I don’t think anyone has ever said, man I can’t wait to go hang out with Matt Ryan, fucking tool. Oh and Jay Cutler married a realty TV star, that just screams attention worse that pulling yourself out of the NFC Championship game cause you got a boo boo.. Pussy.
And we come to our Champion, Paul I FINALLY won Curuso –

While we are on the subject of duesh QB’s lets talk about the Colin “my nose enters the room before I do” Kaepernick. This skinny cholo is a tattooed tampon and I hope he dies of gonorrhea. But eight round is not terrible value there.. (wait that was something nice, you can’t type that..) Paul you remember that you are drafting RBs to play football not star in star tapes with there horse cocks right?? So why did you pick Trent Richardson? Seriously, him four white girls, deer antler spray, a bag of blow, T-rich and you have a phenomenal sex tape, but him running the football? I wouldn’t even watch that locked in a basement on a cell phone with bad reception.
The draft is over!!! Get your line ups ready! The real football starts tomorrow night!!! I will be hammered on Sunday at Queen City Q, bottomless mimosas, and Sanagria for 10 bucks plus they have shredded lettuce and a delicious Beef brisket..

Tooo-Da-Looo bitches..

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