The Second Annual Speak Easy Awards

The Second Annual Speak Easy Awards

Welcome to the Second Annual Speak Easy Sports and Entertainment Awards! Or the Easy’s for short! Like Lebron’s mom! Wait, it’s not four years ago, those jokes aren’t funny? HE WON A CHAMPIONSHIP?!?! Well, there goes that joke, that joke, maybe that one…Oh, just say Honey Nut Cheerios? OK, that works. The Easy’s for short! Like Honey Nut Cheerios! Seriously, what a year it has been.

Apparently LeBron finally got his first ring. It’s about damn time (wait, he already said that, shit I need better writers). So now does this mean that Skip Bayless has finally shut up? (No… Long pause, followed by a Vietnam like flash back of explosions and Skip scowls, and the word Tebow echoing over and over)

The Giants won another Super Bowl with Rainman doing Rainman things. Although apparently being an idiot savant is transferable, how else do you explain Joe Flacco doing Eli-like things this post season. (Oh, really he’s just that good? Said NO ONE ever about Joe Flacco).

The Giants won the Super Bowl…I just said that…ohhh the Giants won the World Series! Congrats, San Fran needed that. Wait, how did Jack Black hit three home runs in one game? Right, but he is the voice of the Kung-Fu Panda…Oh, Pablo Sandoval is also the Kung Fu Panda? Glad I didn’t waste my fifteen bucks to see that un-needed sequel.

** Production director off stage: Maybe we should have gotten a sports personality to host these awards and not Ryan Lochte. This is just not working. Bring in the back up host…**

This year we also had the Summer Olympics in London and man did the Brits put on a great show. They even managed to convince the weather not to be all Englandy for almost the entire time. We had our most decorated Olympian go out with an average showing by his standards, but pretty damn impressive by anyone else’s. Usain Bolt showed why he is the best sprinter ever, and then partied with some Swedish handball players. The US actually won a diving medal and somehow the Chinese competitors were never heard from again. We saw huge upsets. The US basketball team, full of young hungry college players and D-league amateurs toppled the three towers of the unstoppable Spanish National team. It was a great moment for Merica’, we were basking in revelry and chanting… (Oh we were supposed to win? Lebron, Kobe, Paul, Melo, Durant, AND Westbrook?) So we were still chanting USA! USA! The women’s soccer team won gold over our new Asian rival Japan. Then Hope Solo got married to an out of work NFL tight end with a track record for domestic abuse. Is that TV series going to be on Bravo or VS? Sign me up. On top of all of that we had numerous stories about all the sex that occurs in the Olympic village. Really? You had to report that if you get thousands of hot fit athletes living together for two weeks, they are not going to be banging each other silly? Oh and throw in that you really only have to be coherent for two or three days during that time? Duahhhhh

But before I waste all my great material, let’s get to the awards!

The Fredo previously The Norman Bates
Usually reserved for the biggest jackass, or villain in the past year of sports, but this year we are tweaking it a bit. Not only a villain, but the kind that plays your friend, tries to make everyone think he is great guy, just misunderstood. Yet secretly he is behind the scenes stabbing you and everyone else in the back.

And the Easy goes to..
Dwight Howard!

Let’s run the stats, three botched trades, two coaches fired, and an entire NBA basically hijacked while we waited on you to make your decision. Only to come to find out that you are NOT that good anymore! You have single-handily destroyed the Lakers…OK, I can’t say that with a straight face, but you certainly have not helped them. You don’t have the hops anymore, and simply aren’t the same player. It’s like Superman died and but Clark Kent is still fumbling around in front of us. In Orlando, you basically convinced management to fire the lovable loser Stan, in hopes that will convince you to stay, and you left anyway! First trying to force your way to Brooklyn, because you want to be cool and hang with Jay Z. That does not work, so you say you don’t want to go to LA. Then end up in LA, only to show up as previously referred to Clark Kent and get that coach fired as well. Although let’s be honest Mike Brown never should have gotten the job. And to top it all off, you sit there the whole time with this big dumb aw-shucks grin and say you did not do anything! You are the worst kind of bad, smiles to your face while you twist the knife in the back.

The Squeak aka Lil Bitch
I joke last year about naming this award after this year’s winner. So I guess it’s fitting that he would be a whiney little bitch this year. There was a ton of deliberation about this, and in the end it just came to me. It was so clear, how could I have missed it.

And the Easy goes to..
Cristano Ronaldo!

Come on down, you clearly deserve this, only this guy would bitch about not being happy. Seriously you are 27, play for the biggest club in the world, make close to 40 million euros a season, are arguably the most all around physically gifted player, and you bang a swimsuit model. Scratch that, one the most famous Sports Illustrated cover swimsuit models. Yet, you refused to celebrate your goals, because you are un-happy with your situation. Then proceed to pout and not disclose why you are un-happy or anything of that nature. Needless to say that you keep banging in goals so your teammates put up with your childish antics, yet they most likely treat you like shit off the field, because they do not like you! Which is clearly your fault, you berate them in games, routinely refuse to defend, and had been know to pout and sulk up and down the pitch when your service is not there. Grow up, stop complaining, be a leader, and become a decent human being off the field and maybe people will actually give a fuck about you. Oh and when your waxing your body be careful with the hot wax around your balls… (It’s rumored he missed a game because of a waxing accident in and around his genital area.)

The Vinnie Chase
Name’s not changing ‘cause it’s a throw back to when the show was good. Comeback of the year, player, team, whatever…just a great comeback.

And the Easy goes to..

Adrian Peterson, sorry Peyton, but AD was nothing short of epic this year. From tearing his ACL in December to coming 9 yards short of breaking the single season rushing record 12 months later is just awesome. Peyton you took a year off, found the perfect team to fit your talents (see talented receivers, good defense, great o-line, and a moronic offensive coach) and still had a great season. Average numbers by your own lofty standards, but AD’s season was all-time great. He started slow and then exploded, in an age where running backs are usually as interchangeable as spare parts, you show that there is NO ONE like you in the league right now. 8 guys in the box, doesn’t matter. 1019 yards AFTER contact, most guys aim for a season with a thousand yards. He did it with a crap QB and the only other weapon on the team banged up for long periods of time. He was simply inhuman at times. 6 yards a carry???? Come on man, he is the only back in the NFL who can run between the tackles for the tough years, emerge for the pile, and OUTRUN the secondary. I would have liked to see Jim Brown in person, but since Barry Sanders retired there has never been another running back I have enjoyed watching more than Adrian Peterson. He is simply the best and he proved it this past season.

The Leon Lett
This award should go to the replacement refs, however we feel it just to cheer or jeers the athletes and not 40 something men who normally ref high school lacrosse. They were never put in a position to succeed so they are eliminated. While there were many deserving candidates, ridiculous celebrations, football players running towards the wrong end zone, basketball players trying to put the ball in their own net, again, and again, there was only one true winner,

And the Easy goes to..
The Buttfumble.

Seriously, never has there been one play that so completely defined a season, career, or even a team as the buttfumble. It has Mark Sanchez trying desperately to do things that he cannot do (like throw completions) in the style of his unwanted media circus back up, Tim Tebow. Did he not see the giant butt of his offensive linemen in front of him? Did it appear suddenly like some David Copperfield Houdini butt. Or did he think it was so easy to be Tim Tebow, he thought “I can do his job with my eyes closed!” But don’t worry you paid him 40 million before the season started! It is almost eclipsed by the fact that they activated Greg “My sister is really hot, but now over shadowed by Catherine Webb” McElroy to start over Tebow the following week.

The Leonidas
Thinking I should rename this award the EPL best play award. Moments, truly great moments in sports are hard to come by, and legendary epic ones are even further between. To me the best play has to mean something, it has to be for something, so while there might have been more amazing plays throughout the course of the year based on pure skill, these mattered more. While I might have already given away the winner, there are a few honorable mentions, who could be winners in their own right.

Austin Rivers Buzzer Beater to knock off UNC– Hate the kid, but damn this show was cold blooded. Against a 5 UNC at their place, the step back three to win the game. Did not do much else the rest of the season, but that moment was the reason people watch basketball, and you can’t beat that when these two teams meet, that clip will be added to the long list of amazing buzzer beaters in this storied rivalry.

Mario Manningham’s Catch along the side line of the Super bowl. Every close Super Bowl has a moment, a moment when everything turns, while some could argue that it was when Welker dropped that pass, most would say it was the amazing catch that Manningham made along the side line. Pinned deep in their own terrority, Rainman lets it fly, huge play momentum full swing and now the game is the Giants to lose.

Olympic Moments, From Gabby Douglas winning the team gold with a brilliant floor exercise, to Alex Morgan’s last second header to send the US Women into the finals. The drama for these once every four year moments is always incredible, however the biggest one for me, had to be Bolt, Usain Bolt. They spent two days talking about how he was not the fastest anymore, his training partner was better, his back was hurting, his times were not that fast. In the fastest field of all time, nearly everyone running sub 10 seconds, he pulled away like he does and dominated. Everyone says if there is one thing you see in your lifetime, it’s the 100 meter finals. It is the biggest event of Olympics, hell Kobe and Melo could not even get a seat, and Bolt rose above like no one before him and reaffirmed his claim as the fastest man alive. There should be no doubt now, and this one was tough for me not to be number one. (It’s really like 1b. in all fairness)

And the Easy goes to..

Sergio Aguero’s last second winner to win the Premier League title. Why is this the best? Mostly because of the looks on the Man United players faces, when they heard mid-celebration that they had lost the title. But really it is because with one moment – eight months of games, battles, training, and competition was decided in a 15 second moment. The fact that the regular season means something more than just playoff seeding makes this moment all the better. Add to the fact that Manchester City has been United’s little whipping boy for over 30 years and you have one magical moment. There are thousands of reaction clips all over YouTube just from this one play. Manchester Utd, on the field causally beginning to celebrate their defense of their title, to complete bedlam when Aguero smashed home the winner. I personally cannot do it justice, except to say that out of all the things that happened in sports this year, I know exactly where I was when it happened and how epic the emotions were. That is what this award is about, those kinds of moments.

The Aaron Sorkin
This is a tricky one this year, because we easily could have gone with a tragedy. Depressing dramas are all the rage right now, and the Tale of Penn State University is a sordid one and despicable by nature. However, again we here at Speak Easy are always optimistic, we try and focus on the positive side of sports. So with that being said the best story of 2012 was in the end a pretty easy choice.

And the Easy goes to..

The 2012 Olympics

For two weeks they captivated the world. There was an amazing, inspiring story every night and non-stop Bob freaking Costas. It’s the time of year when everyone knows what a 3 and a half inward tuck is, and how the splash amplitude effects the judges score. We care about sports we have never even heard of and for once display a sense of national pride that is very rare in US sports. I cannot count the number of times that I was chanting USA! USA! USA! randomly in some bar over those two glorious weeks this summer. However the best part about it is that it creates national heroes and gives 15 minutes of fame to people who actually deserve it and not Honey Boo-boo or a Jersey Shore reject. But people who spend their whole lives training and working in a gym for that one moment of glory with the whole world watching. It’s impossible to pick one storyline from the 2012 games, so the whole damn thing wins the award!

The “Charlie… That Hurt… It Really, Really Hurt….”
Simply put, we are honoring the most Outstanding Achievement in a YouTube Production. This may or may not be related to sports.

And the Easy goes to..

Gangnam Style.
ONE BILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS!! That is a ridiculous stat, oh it’s also the most viewed video in the history of YouTube. Not to mention that it was everywhere in 2012, even NFL players were going Gangnam style (although it was about 3 weeks late) after sacks, touchdowns, and picks. When you turn on pop radio and hear a foreign Korean song, only because of the ridiculously popular YouTube music video, you know something went wrong. Check that – I just watched it again, and it is still just as funny and ridiculous, although I did mute it.

The Plaxico
So no one tried to drive 200 pounds of weed across the Mexican boarder or some other really really dumb crime, so there are no clear cut winners. However we did find out those athletes are just like us, and they like to party. The one downside of being a famous athlete is that if you get rip-roaring shit canned, chances are EVERYONE is going to know about it and there is a chance you’re going to get messed with as well. Those are pitfalls that I am sure everyone out there would gladly accepted for the fame, money, and some groupie love. So who got the craziest this year?

And the Easy goes to..

Shaun White, while Adrian Peterson got really rowdy at the club, and quite a few other people decided to get behind the wheel after having a few too many, I think Shaun wins this year. Dude got absolutely blasted, might have been on some other PED’s (and By PED’s I mean drugs that enhance your drinking skills, and prolong your ability to consume alcohol). Regardless, he went all Axel Rose and smashed a phone in the lobby, pulled the fire alarm and then fled the scene. I will be honest, besides pulling the fire alarm, I am 100 percent sure that I have done worse late night at a hotel as well. Although I am not instantly recognizable because of my lack of bright red flowing locks.This is when the story gets slightly comical. Apparently during his daring escape, he was followed by a “citizen” who convinced the cab driver to call the cops, and thwart the Flying Tomato’s getaway. After realizing he was caught, he charged the would-be do gooder, possibly attempting some sort of drunken kick which failed to connect leaving the off-balanced White to take a nasty tumble which landed him in the hospital and left us with this sweeeettt mug shot. He’s won everything else, why not an Easy!

What a year in sports it has been, truly amazing. We have seen it all this year, and really seen some things we do not need to see again. (the entire NY Jets season). But let’s also take the time to remember those we lost this year as well. Not just in sports, but the horrific incidents in Sandy Hook and Colorado, so while we might like to have fun here at the Easy’s we would like to end it with a moment for all those lost this year. Big and especially little, you all will be missed.

Thank you and good night!

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