When you are a child, Halloween is really important. And then there is a period between, like, 11 and 17 when Halloween is less important, because you’re too old to trick or treat and too young to go to adult parties. And then you go to college, and Halloween is important again.
The reality is we should all be a little ashamed that we’re still celebrating Halloween at this age. We are grownups, for Christ’s sake. But, hey, fuck it. Go crazy. If you need a Halloween costume and want something less obvious than “Jerry Sandusky” or “replacement ref,” here are a few sports-themed ideas:
Just wear anything you want and then complain all night that your clothes aren’t treating you right. Demand your friends trade you to a cooler group. Start the night being kind of fun and carefree and popular, and then slowly transform into a whiny, miserable douche to the point where everyone pretty much hates you.
Start the night being kind of fun and carefree and popular, and then slowly transform into a whiny, miserable douche to the point where everyone pretty much hates you. Also, trash your friends if they don’t pass you stuff enough. Create nicknames for yourself. Befriend a tall guy, do cool stuff together, and then grow distant and resentful as the night progresses. Make sure people like him more than you.
Throughout the night, whenever something unimportant happens, be great at it. But then when something important happens, suck at it. Date Madonna after it’s cool. Start the night being kind of fun and carefree and popular, and then slowly transform into a whiny, miserable douche to the point where everyone pretty much hates you.
Throw various objects poorly, as if you just learned to throw, like, that morning … and were taught by your grandmother. Have people like you way more than you deserve. Talk about how you might run for office someday, but then don’t appear to be too bright. Talk about your mom and Jesus and babies more than a grown man should.
Be the greatest ever at something, but then buy the thing you were great at and suck. Make commercials even after you are older and fat and not as cool on TV as you were when you were 24. Dress poorly. Play too much golf. Hire a bunch of smart people, and when they try to get you to do something, ignore them.
Be someone who people can barely tolerate, then lose all of your money and have people be kind of glad you did. Do something heroic that endears you to a small group of people, but by the end of the night — through sheer force of douchery — have that small group of people sort of hate you, too.
Be really cool and well-liked by everyone who is not from America. Insist people call you “football,” even though no one will. Be relevant for two weeks once every four years. Compete with your friends, and when neither of you score, be totally cool with it. If anyone complains that you are boring, say they don’t understand you.
Be really cool and well-liked by everyone who is from Canada, New York or Detroit. Be relevant in 1988. Talk about how there are four big sports leagues in America, and when people laugh, try not to get too mad. Refer to your penis as “The Great One.” Be popular when you fight people, but be less popular when you skate around on ice.
Be really cool and well-liked in, like, five states, but try to convince people you are actually popular and well-liked in the whole country. Talk a lot about your sponsors, to the point where strangers want to punch you in the face. Keep walking around the room in a circle, trying not to crash into things. Try to convince your friends this is fun.
Be really cool and well-liked with young dudes and be completely ignored by pretty much everyone else. Strip down and wrestle with your friends. Literally hug each other on the ground for, like, minutes, without moving. Convince people this is exciting. Insist what you are doing is macho and way better than just punching each other in the face until one of you can’t stand up anymore.
UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY
Recruit really cool friends. Have them hang with you for an hour, and then have them leave, then recruit another group of really cool friends. Feel free to lower your acceptance standards with each new group of friends. Be totally OK with not having anyone stay with you for more than hour. Don’t care that you suck at everything but basketball.
Keep multiplying to the point where your brand is saturated and people sort of hate you. Recruit friends to hang out with you and spout annoying catchphrases all night. Don’t talk about any sport that isn’t affiliated with you, and if a sport signs up with you, talk about it way too much, to the point where it’s obvious you are pressing it because you are being paid. Keep forcing Chris Berman on your friends, even though they hate him.