The Final Four
We are finally here! (Yeah, so what if it only took one round, it took years for our crack team of scientists to make this all happen) In an effort to make the tournament a bit more interesting we have made a little swap, switching The Dream Team 2 and The ReDeem Team. We felt this would give us more entertaining match-ups and not create a boring “this version of a player” vs. himself 4 years later scenario. Also, because our time shares on the Dubai Islands were running out, we had to shift over to a single elimination model. (That and the fact that the Dream Team already ran up almost 10 mil in debt to the local casinos)
Semi Final 1: Dream Team vs. The ReDeem Team
This is probably the best match-up you could have hoped for in the semis. Both of these teams have inside outside scoring, talent, and defense. The Dream Team arrived on the scene and simply crushed everyone. They were the first, while the ReDeem team had the dubious task of restoring the luster to USA Basketball. They were both two of the most important teams in the history of USA basketball. Everyone knew there was no one out there that could challenge the Dream Team, the competition was a joke, and the team hardly broke a sweat. Since then the rest of the world has discovered basketball and begun to develop legit stars. As America lost interest in basketball, which usually happens when you are not challenged, the rest of the world strived to beat us. So when America was at its fattest, with a generation who did not care about USA basketball and our heads far up our own asses, we were slaughtered like lambs. Embarrassed in the FIBA Championships and then again on the worlds stage at the Olympics. After that we decided to commit again to being the best and taking back our throne. Thus the ReDeem team was born and the best players made a 3 year commitment to winning gold in Bejing. (On a side note, 04 also corresponds to the year after the NBA had one of the single most dynamic and incredible draft classes in the history of the NBA.) Despite all the expectations, the ReDeem Team got it done. Enough history let’s hit the court.
Game 1: The Dream Team goes big, with a starting lineup of Magic, Jordan, Pippen, Ewing, and Robinson – hoping to beat up on the 08ers with size and power. Coach K, expecting this tactic goes big as well, with LeBron, Bryant, Anthony, Bosh, and Howard. This leads to an epic first quarter of basketball as these dream match-ups start to play out. Jordan and. Kobe, alpha-doggin’ it up, exchanging scowls and expressions as one thinks they are mocking the other. Magic teaches Lebron the subtleties of the game, while Bron exploits his Magic’s age and lack of quickness on the other end. If that wasn’t enough entertainment, you have one of the best offensive players we have ever seen in Melo, battling an all time defensive great like Pippen. That is if they could ever get the ball from the dueling Jordans (you know, Jordan and Kobe, who copied EVERYTHING about Jordan). The bigs are lost in commotion with Ewing just being too physical for a soft Bosh at 23. As athletic and talented as Robinson is, he is no match for Howard who is gobbling up everything on the boards.
Yet, it’s when the second teams come in that things get really interesting. In making things more entertaining, subs can be made on the fly, and in a rash move, Coach K calls a line change. Out comes Chris Paul, D-Wade, Michael Redd, Prince, and Boozer. The change of pace and tempo kills the dream team, their bigs with tired legs cannot keep up and Magic, who has just been chasing Lebron around, nearly has a heart-ache simply standing near CP3. They counter with their small line-up, Stockton, Drexler, Mullins, Barkley, and Malone. There is no contest, the Dream Team wipes the floor with these guys. Barkley and Malone kill Prince and Boozer down low and Drexler’s length gives D-Wade all kinds of problems. They close out the half on a 19-5 run and go into the break with a 65-52 lead.
A furious tirade by both coaches at the half, in which both used the phrase “you cocky f–kin, pieces of overpaid, pretentiously twatty, lazy f–kin shit bags, my 85 year old, tits tucked into her colostomy bag belt, grandma could dunk on your pansy ass faces!! Then she’ll make you smell her taint!!!” Needless to say that got everyone fired up, after they vomited a little in their mouth, because they swore they could smell old granny taint.
In efforts to get the line up right, Coach K decides to go uber-athletic, with Deron Williams, Wade, Bryant, Lebron, and Howard. Which leads to some excellent basketball, yet the Dream Team is just too much inside to start the second half after Howard picks up his four foul.
In the end, it came down to an 04 Lebron against a 92 Jordan, which proceeded to eviscerate Lebron in every possible way. At one point, he shaped-shifted his face into a wrinkled Skip Bayless Scowl while continuously muttering Prince James, Prince James. The Dream Team, needless to say, moved on by a final of 124 to 114.
Semi Final 2: The ReMix Squad (Which I have now decided to call just “Small Ball 156”) vs. Dream Team 2
A focused and hungry Small Ball 156 jumps out to an early lead on Dream Team 2 because LeBron goes all Magic, pulling the strings for Melo and Durant who get hot and start bombing threes. The Dream Team 2 tries to slow down the game by banging it inside to Olajuwon and Robinson, but the high pressure of 156 denies the entry passes and the game gets out of hand by half. Realizing that nobody really wanted to see them in the finals, the Dream Team 2 admits that they were always the bastard of the original team and that besides Shaq, none of them could carry the Dream Team’s jock. In a made for TV tear jerking moment, (complete with Bob Costas voice over) the original Dream Team comes to the court and consoles the DT2ers, telling them they were never second in their eyes (even as MJ rolls his eyes) and they walk off the court hand in hand to get some Babka (Cinnamon or Chocolate) and frozen yogurt. Small Ball 156 is completely perplexed by this decision and decides to shave Anthony Davis Unibrow while he’s a sleep on the bench, again not in his jersey.
On to the Finals…The match up everyone wanted…The Dream Team vs. Small Ball 156.