The Cure for Summer Doledrums…. Summer Box Office Fantasy Bozanza!

The Cure for Summer Doledrums…. Summer Box Office Fantasy Bozanza!

Soon approaching is the time in which billions of dollars are made or lost. Where legends are born, heroes overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and villains are immortalized. Yes, I am talking about the summer movie season. Just like any sports season has its highs and lows, a beginning and an end, winners and losers, the over-hyped and the under-hyped, the David’s and the Golaith’s; the movies fill that crucial void in the sports world, the summer. Let’s face it, unless you live in a city that has a baseball team, most people could not care less about sports this time of year. Sportscenter is unviewable. How many times can I watch a slightly pudgy guy in baggy pants make a one handed catch while his dumbass neck jewelry practically takes his eye out? My rant on the absurd neckware that baseball players wear is for another day. I am not staying in or throwing a party to watch a game on TV, but I guess if you are one of those lucky few that have a MLB team in your city, then going to a game is a great event. Overall, sports fall to the back burner in the summer (with the exception of those few spring/summer days in early April and every four years when the World Cup or the Summer Olympics rolls around). Instead, other things take precedence. Hollywood rolls out the largest, most grand offerings and every weekend becomes an event. The fate of studios, actors, and directors lie in our hands.

So for all of you who are sports junkies and feel lost during the summer months, I present to you the Ultimate Summer Movie Preview/Handicap. We are going to run down all the challengers for the summer box office crown, which for all purposes is the Super Bowl in sports. Additionally, we will throw out a few ideas for Summer Movie Fantasy Leagues that will make going to the movies fun again (as if they were not already).

Here is a quick run-down of what is at stake for this season:
The 2012 Box Office Champ-
The movie that takes in the most money over the course of the year, which is our Super Bowl winner.

The All-Time Opening Weekend Grosses-
Big openings is where studios spend their money. They are crucial to the success of the film and in the summer the opening weekend matters more than anything. This is the equivalent of breaking a single season rushing or passing mark. Every other year some QB or RB gets close to the lofty marks, but doesn’t quite make it. It takes that special combination of a dueshbag coach running up the score (and yes, I hate Sean Payton, and am incredibly happy he is suspended for the full year) and a supremely talented player to break the record. In the movie world, it usually takes a sequel with a rabid fan base, great reviews, and a previous chapter that set the bar high.

The Largest Single Day-
This is a huge game; breaking either the individual rushing, receiving, or passing single game mark. Everything has to be going right. The midnight screens were off the charts, no rolling blackouts or thunderstorms to deter fans from waiting in the lines, and most importantly enough screens to fill the demand.

The All Time Box Office Record-
Right now, it’s the 72 Dolphin’s perfect season. They had the big opening weekend and then they sustained throughout the year to win it all. Some have come close, The Dark Knight (07 Pats), but most likely none will top the current king, Avatar.

Now, Speak Easy is proud to introduce our very own Summer B.O. Fantasy League.
Rules are simple. Ten team leagues, four movies per team, and a snake-style draft. Eligible movies have to be released before the draft takes place and must be released before the end of August. The first three picks are your Hits and the fourth is your Bomb selection (or your John Carter). Scoring for your first three picks is simple: total box office gross, with bonus millions for breaking single day(+25 mil), opening weekend (+50 mil), and midnight screening records(+ 10 mil). Bomb pick scoring is as follows:

Movie Grosses
0 to 10 mil
10 to 40 mil
40 to 60 mil
60 to 80 mil
80 to 100 mil
Added Millions to Total
250 mil
200 mil
150 mil
100 mil
50 mil
With bonus points for a second week B.O. drop of over 75% (+25 mil) and if the movie makes more than 100 mil, then the amount is subtracted from your total grosses.

The team with the most millions at the end of September, wins. September will give everyone the opportunity to tell the moron who picked “The Expendables 2″ as his sleeper pick, I told you so.

Now, Speak Easy’s Summer B.O. Movie Preview/Handicapping, which will also double as a great guide for what to see this summer and how to get your significant other on board with your midnight screening of Prometheus.

Leave A Response

You must be logged in to post a comment.